A place to find space

JK Rowling came up with the idea of the room of requirement, as a chamber within Hogwarts Castle that appeared just when the person who entered it found it. When they stepped inside, it would be full of whatever they had been looking for at that moment.

In the real world, a room of requirement is more likely to be a spare bedroom, loft space or shed, and the contents may be possessions – or could just be temporary isolation, peace, and an excuse not to chat and answer questions. Many of us would have had this as children if we had our own bedroom, but as we grow up, move out, and start families of our own, we often lose our personal rooms of requirement. It is only when we are living under each other’s feet that we realise what we are missing.

Yet, having a place of retreat is more important than you would imagine. Psychologist Dr Terri Orbuch, quoted in the Sydney Morning Herald, said that “having enough space or privacy in a relationship is more important for a couple’s happiness than having a good sex life.”

“Our partnerships can become burdened by constant proximity, and they can become stressed when we don’t give our partners the space they need to thrive,” writes NLP coach EB Johnson. “When we lose ourselves in our partners, we lose ourselves in life. Getting back to the core of who we are on our own is the answer.”

Often, the easiest way to return to ‘the core of who we are’ is to step back, take some time out, and do the things we need as individuals, rather than as half of a couple. This can often only be done when you have some personal space in which to be yourself.

Virtual rooms of requirement

The need for space is manifesting itself in the property market, where houses are on average selling three weeks faster than flats in the same neighbourhoods.

But even a house is no guarantee that you will be able to carve out your own personal space using its existing layout. This is particularly true in a largely open plan property in which the distinction between individual rooms is blurred or non-existent.

In this case, follow Zoopla’s lead and investigate ‘broken plan living’, using clever devices like glass partitions, folding screens and modular dividers to define a space, even if it is not a ‘room’ to which you can retreat. Setting ground rules at the outset that whoever is occupying that space isn’t to be disturbed may be just enough to help you keep your sanity and avoid family conflicts.

It is important to remember that ‘space’ isn’t always physical. It can also be psychological and, says Brides magazine, “it may make you feel a little panicky if your partner says that they need some breathing room, but space can be a positive force in a relationship. In fact, it can be a great thing.”

You may even find, if you bring up the subject first, that your partner has been thinking along similar lines, and talking things through may be as great a relief to them as it is to yourself. In this case, the ‘room of requirement’ might not be a physical ‘room’ at all, but the opportunity to pursue a solo project or hobby that you don’t both share, so that when you come back together you have something new to talk about. If you get in quick, your project could be sorting the loft conversion you’ve been talking for years – and this could kill two birds with one stone!